the potential of my words

Words as heavy as tree trucks
I'm trying to carry these sentences your way
without breaking branches without tearing leaves and nouns.
They leave a trail of abc's along the sidewalks to get swept up and raked away.
I cover my hands in inkblot soil,
my hair is covered in pencil shavings
I am my words dragging them to another location
with the same story engraved in the bark,
the fingerprint of my extremely tall tale
so high I eat the clouds for breakfast at day break.
Words that spill like rain,
thunder storms that rock the world in their wake.
Words like earthquakes shifting the continents
as powerful as god has the potential to be.
I splatter them on the pages,
smearing dictionaries onto sheets of paper
creating blue skies in your mind's eye
I search low for vocabulary,
digging into the roots of knowledge and internet wet dreams
climbing over hills, scratching at skin
tattooing ink, shaving my head
sleeping on sidewalks, in cardboard boxes
inhaling methamphetamin, snorting vicodin
shooting up poisonous lovers, swallowing cum
skipping meals for weeks, drowning in gin and vodka
a quest for more letters
deep and meaningful
full of adjectives and descriptions
just trying to twist the truth
of these words that drag on
with nothing to hold onto.

Fuck. "Goddamn it ____, get off me and just lay next to me."

I'm sorry I said that to you. I'm sorry she still haunts me. I didn't mean to call you that while I was sleeping.

random blogs wish I could vlog

i kinda miss vlogging. I used to have a lot of time for it and now I still have time for it but I can't find a space to do it. Youtube used to be a place where I could just talk and say whatever was on my mind, now I have an audience, I have kids looking up to me and I feel a lot of pressure being a role model. It's like being a role model to 500 kids. I don't want to encourage 15 year olds to go the route I was on at their age, I want them to pursue bigger and better things but my 1 dimensional persona on Youtube is a role model. There are so many parts of my life that I avoid talking about because I am embarrassed of where I'm at or where I've been. I feel like a child in so many ways. The older I get the more I feel like I'm a kid, the more I want to act out and being a child, I want to throw tantrums and whine and laugh about stupid shit and run around the grass chasing bunnies without feeling like I'm supposed to be an adult and pay bills.

I started my first day at work yesterday. I spent 8 hours washing dishes for a very busy restaurant and doing other bitch work *sigh* I remembered why I hated working food services. So much work so little to show for it at the end of the day. my babe and I are both working there, it's her first day today and she's had the easy shift...lucky bitch lol and I got an interview today at Mickey D's! (YAYYY and my parents said I'd never amount to anything HA!) and I will be having another interview tomorrow with the store manager and probably start working on Wed. Yippy! I've been unemployed for 3 months and lazy as fuck and now I'll have 2 full time jobs....hmm... lets see how long I can go for before I pass out.

I finally have a place to stay with my babe. I posted some shit on CL and finally someone genuine hit me up and offered to help us out. I hope that everything goes well and we can help him out as much as possible as well. His house is tiny but he has a spare room with a mattress and he's letting us sleep there. It's so funny to me when people that don't have much will still offer to help others while the ones who have a lot will rarely offer to help or be generous. It's sad really and it makes me so angry. I want to punch my gf's roommate in her fat face for being such a selfish bitch. Not everyone has parents that pay for everything. Stupid fat whore.

I'm glad things are finally beginning to make progress. School is still up in the air as far as how I'm going to pay for it. $51,300 for one year. Just ONE year. I don't wanna put my hopes up in case i can't attend because it costs too much. I wrote to Oprah and Tyra Banks and I was thinking of writing to other companies for financial sponsors. I NEED to go to school. I wish I didn't take so much advantage when I had it. I wish I did better in my classes. I wish I could go back and live it again. I feel like college is where I was supposed to be for the last 2 years and instead I've been lost and roaming the country.

I can't complain about traveling though. I love going to new places and seeing new things. I can never stand still for too long I always end up moving around. I just wish I had really loved my time in college. I guess it takes something to go away for you to miss it and I've def. learned my lesson. Once I get back in school I will focus and enjoy my time in class.

I feel like starting up another Youtube channel just for myself to talk and vent my happy times and sorrow. I enjoy vlogging but it's definitely changed from where it was to what it is now. I'll start my little diary vlog sometime soon whenever I can find a place and webcam to do it on. The campus computer lab doesn't really allow much noise so I haven't been able to video anything really. And there are always a crapload of people around and wtf I want to JUST TALK TO A COMPUTER GODDAMN IT GIMMI SOME PRIVACY lol. About 4 weeks from now the scenery will change once again. I will be in beautiful and green South Carolina with my in-laws who adore me.

That's a little scary. Not because I don't love them, omg they are amazing but because...they are so amazing and I love them so much already. I feel like I missed out on a lot of mother daughter shit when I was younger because my mother is so stuck in herself and old ways and traditions that she sees me as this 1 dimensional person that doesn't have feelings and is obligated (because she birthed me) to serve her every need. I hope now that things are changing at home, that she'll start to change as well. The kitchen will be different next time I visit. The day care will be gone (FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and Sunny is there while Kiko is gone and his owner has not kept his word and kept in touch while I'm very sad about but I know Kiko is happy wherever he is. Susy is getting older and smarter everyday and my sisters are still being little bitch teenagers. I know they like to blame me for anything bad that happens in their lives. It sucks a lot because I miss them so much and I would love to reconnect but I know that shit takes time and my family has raised us to hold grudges and point fingers. HORRAY FOR FAMILY VALUES. Well, I've written enough for today. Later.

monologue

I am one of those people that you forget,
it may not seem like it at first but you look through me you look past me
I am not your problem
I must be a drug addict or someone lazy
because I can't find a job in this economy
it never occurs to you that I might just be someone without a hand of cards,
your deck is filled with possibilities
and you have parents that pay for your education and the bed you sleep on,
I might as well have been orphaned.
I am the forgotten, everyone is blind to me.
it's not your problem.
You don't have to deal with it,
you'll walk past me without even speaking.
Your hand full of aces and queens, while mine remains empty.
I am a shadow on the wall unnoticed,
cornered in the alleys with no where to go,
sleeping on pavement, blankets made of bitter cold.
You wouldn't think so looking at me.
It's not your fault my life sucks,
so then it must not be your problem.

on a lighter note

I find these so amusing and when I find the time and money
they will be made and eaten ♥

how to make Peepshi
1. Slice off six 3/16th inch slices lengthwise from a Rice Krispies Treat (Please don't kill yourself trying to get exactly 3/16 inches. There are more important things to worry about, like beheading Peeps!).

2. Execute six Peeps of your color choice by decapitation. Cut off more neck than you think is appropriate. If necessary, you can trim off more later.

3. Portion out a length of Fruit by the Foot slightly longer than the Rice Krispies Treat slice.

4. Flatten and elongate the Rice Krispies Treat slice slightly and shape it into a hollow circle. It's okay if it breaks, just mold it back together again.

5. Take a Peep head and tuck it into the top of the hollow Rice Krispies treat cylinder. Use a toothpick or tip of the a knife to help get it snug.

6. Wrap the Fruit by the Foot strip around your roll. Some folding and nipping may be necessary to get the cleanest look.

7. Serve at room temperature.

A Primer on Peepshi Traditions

1. There is no wasabi. Same goes for ginger. Peeps are sassy enough on their own. (We tried smashing up a green Peep for a wasabi-esque condiment, but decided against this.)
2. Do not eat an entire Peeps roll. Unless it's a challenge. (Honor must be kept at all costs.)
3. Use the extra Peeps bodies (there will be many) to create your own Peeps diorama!
4. Room temperature water is the ideal companion to Peepshi. Too cold and the sugar feels gritty in a bad way. Too hot and then, you're just drinking hot water.
5. Don't let silent Peeps screams deter you from your task. You're a professional.

scribbles

little obsessions taunt my life
fingers that inch on my inner thighs too close for me to feel safe
the sky looks more blue every time I look at you
and then your embrace fills me with the sunrise every morning
you run your hands across my back, never leave me
so i try not to listen to the voices that scream bloody insults
My brain sounds like static, a thousand voices crying
and times with you when you look at me, my head starts to get quiet
I feel a gumball in my throat that I can't swallow
I choke and I gag and I cry until it all spills out in front of you
a mess,
I look crazed, insane and rabies filled
and you see my inner child.
I feel diseased when all my secrets are revealed
I know that you read all of my thoughts without meaning to
I talk to you in telepathy, we speak through our eyez
when I create your smile you give birth to the sunrise
inside me, I'm dark
I know all of the shadows
you capture the stars and we hold them together
we complete the puzzle of the soul
in the black we are light
and you love me when I love you.

I've never felt that before.



today was so funny.