pulling me deep into myself deep and self loathing parts i'm swimming against the current sometimes. so much water, i drown in my dreams even with a charm over my head, what else do I have to get over? What else do I have to deconstruct? The hurt is deep. Worst than any scar I've ever inflicted upon myself. It goes back into childhood. Reaching out to a heartless love.

I've been dreaming about water. Swimming in water. Breathing underwater. Living in water. Being pulled by water. The buildings drowning in water. Warning hundreds about the waters rising. I dunno what they mean. I dunno what to make of them.

There is a sleep charm above my head for good dreams. I don't dream gorey anymore but I do dream heavy...what does it mean?

There is a crystal above my head. We make love and I disappear into the universe, I am connected through her and through every molecule, every atom is me and she and us. Our love is rooted into every fiber of my being.

There are charms and salts and candles and crystals everywhere. Always surrounded by people, disorders and laughter, awkward tendencies and mannerisms but always loving. I am out of my element. I am out in public and not hiding... so strange to me.

My ex is in my dreams almost always now. I'm always running or getting angry. I am still so angry at everything. The past is the past, why can't it stay buried? Why can't i get over those drunken bullshit months of my life?