curious and curiouser

hey your creepers! stop creeping and subscribe!

I catch my heart before it falls in the grass
gathering tears that scream on my cheeks
in a water bottle
to give to you
as a sacrifice
in exchange for all of my dreams
la oscuridad
in my eyez,
I seperate each part of me
raise it to the clouds
hold it up as I am held down
watching rivers and oceans,
sirenas won't drown, but I might
if I forget to breathe
abajo del agua I can't feel
this heartache growing
take this sacrifice
mi corazon can't take this,
please...

Dear Mills College Adminstration,
I know you don't care about me attending, it's just about money but Mills is my home and I've been waiting so long. I'm so close, please don't take this from me. Please don't take this from me. please please please let me go to school here.

Love,
former student of color

I do a lot of self healing through other people

I am no where near perfect and I wish that I took my own advice. This last year has changed me for the better. I know it has. Still I feel those days, those sad days, creeping inside me like a virus I can't get rid of. Emotional AIDS.

I love myself as hard as I can day by day. Each day, learning how to smile a little more for myself. I wish for more days where I can be alone but I'm afriad of them. I'm scared that alone I regress into those dark places because they are comforting and familiar. I wish for bad eating habits that left me 95lbs thin. I wish for drug habits to numb my memories and my fingertips. I wish your dirty sex with an abusive lover in exchange for a wrecked heart and a notebook full of sins and secrets. Beautiful bloody stories. I wish for those sometimes. And most of all I wish I didn't wish for any of these things.

On my sad days that creep out of me when I am alone. I don't snuggle into her for comfort from the loneliness, I embrace the dark. I stay lonely just to feel it and when I'm done I lay my head near her dreaming eyez and rest until the sun rises.

And another day is here to teach me something beautiful and the darkness grows a little bit smaller. I wonder if one day I will ever be completely filled with light.

Dear New York,

I lied. I do miss you.

Sincerely,
California bound

My prayer and methods

My prayer

I seek the truth
I am here to understand my Self, and the Universe as God
I am here to connect to a cosmic consciousness,
And promote peace and love to all.


My methods for prayer

Meditate. The whole process from inhaling to holding it in your lungs to exhaling should be analyzed to the deepest possible level. Every feeling that you have should be sensed, known, and understood.
Meditation through opening of various chakras.

Write.

Marijuana can be smoked with another person or group of people as long as the person/group understands what my purpose of this sacrament is. The prayer should be said out loud. Discussion is encouraged.

no longer be using marijuana for recreational use

http://www.muse-net.com/dec307.html

The spiritual effects of marijuana use depend entirely on who you are, where you are in your journey, and your intention in using it. Drugs aside, people should be psychologically stable and healthy before exploring altered states of consciousness.

Most of our beliefs about illicit drugs stem from social conditioning and our observations of people who abuse them in order to avoid reality. When people who aren't stable and competent in everyday life take recreational drugs, it's like watching someone who just learned to drive climb into the cockpit of an airplane. By contrast, people who are ready for it and have a clear sense of where they want to go can fly to new dimensions of spiritual experience by employing various sacred tools and practices.

Many sincere seekers who embrace marijuana as a sacrament find it spiritually beneficial. Further, many times when people use marijuana for the first time, it opens them up to a whole new realm of possibilities because getting high focuses their attention inward, toward the realm of spirit. Pot alters our state of consciousness and increases alpha brain waves much like meditation and other trance work. In terms of its effects on the aura, it can create a lovely green color and open the heart chakra. So you're right in saying that it loosens your awareness of the physical world, but isn't that one aim of spiritual practice?

Perhaps the most dramatic spiritual effect of marijuana use can be seen in people who are strongly rooted in physical, rational, left-brain thinking. From birth we are programmed with what and how to think, which can become a mental straight jacket that prevents us from moving beyond ordinary levels of wisdom, consciousness and spiritual experience.

Through altered states of consciousness, we can escape from that mental conditioning and expand the scope of our inner horizons. When we get high, we often experience higher levels of love, peace and awareness. Before we experience something, we don't even know that it's possible, but after we've done it at least once, it's easier to find our way back to it without aid of outside influences.

So just trying marijuana can awaken people who are uptight with social conditioning to new spiritual possibilities. Further, when their existing beliefs are shattered, they hopefully learn to question everything else they've assumed to be true, possible, right, good, etc. This blesses them with an open mind, which fosters further personal and spiritual growth.

Marijuana can also turn on parts of the brain that have remained dormant and free our consciousness to wander into new psychic territory. According to at least one very involved study, using marijuana can profoundly increase a person's chances of having an out of body experience. Marijuana users are also far more likely to report experiences of ESP, telepathy, precognition, clairvoyance and other psychic phenomena. In lab experiments, regular marijuana users have also scored significantly higher on psychic tests than non-users.

Similar studies have found a negative correlation between ESP scoring and alcohol use, and scientists have noted that marijuana affects the brain differently from drugs like alcohol, nicotine and cocaine. For example, marijuana seems to generate the growth of new brain cells and stimulate brain cells in ways that combat depression and other mood disorders, where the other drugs have an opposite effect.

Marijuana users also frequently report spiritual experiences, such as feeling connected to All That Is; contact with Divine beings like spirits, angels and guides; a deep sense of peace and contentment; a shift in their values away from materialism toward more spiritual interests and concerns, etc. Just meeting spiritual beings or having an out of body experience can spiritually transform people by opening them up to all sorts of new possibilities, allowing them to shed limiting fears, and launching them on a quest for new wisdom and experience.

Further, the term "to get high" accurately reflects marijuana's spiritual effects. When most people smoke marijuana, they get fully present in the moment, drop all emotional resistance and sink into a wonderful state of appreciation. As a result, their vibration skyrockets. When our vibration is soaring, we're more open to life and other people, which facilitates greater psychic and spiritual awareness. (Those who feel paranoid on marijuana should definitely avoid it, and might view this as a sign that they have a lot of repressed fears to be healed and released.)

Since marijuana doesn't lower our vibration and it isn't addictive, we don't have to worry about lower astral entities as we do with other substances like alcohol. In fact, smudging with marijuana can dispel dark energies and cleanse the psychic atmosphere like sage does, for its energetic tone resonates with purification, liberation, peace and love.

All of this aside, please understand that I am just explaining why marijuana may have spiritually beneficial effects on some people. I am not in any way trying to convince you to change your mind about what is best for you personally, nor am I advocating the use of mind altering drugs for spiritual growth. Scientists have learned that the body produces its own psychedelic chemicals, so when we ingest a mind altering drug, we're not introducing anything truly foreign into our bodies. This means we don't NEED things like marijuana in order to attain the states of consciousness they induce.

I also believe that there is a point early on in every conscious spiritual journey when the use of mind altering substances becomes more limiting than beneficial. We might equate this with becoming an astronaut: when you can soar into the cosmos in a rocket, climbing into the cockpit of that airplane I mentioned earlier will prevent you from going as far and as high as you could without it.

Marijuana has been used as a spiritual tool for ages, and like any other tool, it can be used for destructive or constructive purposes. If spiritual seekers take a wise, mature approach, using marijuana may expand their consciousness and help them tap new psychic ability.

the day before yesterday

Daydream queen by the sea
Hypnotizing by too many clouds and blue skies
Brightly colored joggers gossip in their only patch of green
stuck between concrete
Stories and laughter and drinks
Wind sings to me, whispering in my ears
No one but me can hear.
While the sun plays hide and seek
I must chase away the heat
Behind the shade of the trees,
grass cool beneath my feet

The pier is quiet today,
Only buses make sounds
Even the people speak in hushed voices
New York City is put on mute and we all stand still
Waiting

The air smells like the beach.
I want to bury my feet in sand,
feel grain in between my toes
I would listen to the waves crash on to the shore
Making patterns onto the surface like glass
Art by God
I would dip my fingers in wet mud sand
as each wave reached its final destination
by me, over me, around and everywhere
feel water and earth as if I have existed forever with them
I am soaked by their ancient romances,
The lovers that come and go.

I will daydream beside the sea,
blowing my wishes to the sky
as brightly colored joggers pass me by
their stories trailing behind them as they run
the wind sings to me a melody,
New York City on mute
Holding its breath.




Tomorrow Boston again. And then Vermont. And then once more back to Boston for our final days until we get back to California. Home sweet home.

Nuyorkican inspirations

I keep the records of these heartaches hidden in pandora's box
deep in the caves of my womanhood
barried in my silences and my selfless tendencies
brown skin washes clean but never enough
I always feel the mess inside,
the grim that builds leaves trails of oil across each smile.
I cave in for you.
Breathe in toxic waste just to leave you enough oxygen
i eat scraps to feed you feasts
and starve into an empty well just to hear you call me beautiful





All these brown people
Nuyorkican fools that title their lyrics as poems
stories that have been redone and are replaying day by day
the subject of white and black race or mixed heritage.
You hear about the slave and the master.
the chains that lock their bones into place
echoes of their ancestors
they scrape up dollars from the gusters
Each person that speaks believes themselves deserving
to be the next prophet of the people
we have all seen this poverty
we all speak of the men behind the curtain
we all know about crooked police
and the system robbing each person of color of their dignity.
So many of us have seen jail,
harassed by authority figures.
we all know this yet, only one woman spoke about Oscar Grant.
We talk about our oppression like it is written in a history book
with no substances.
I need solutions, people.
Speak so your words become actions.
All these brown people speak their stories in details,
in between the lines we are all the same.
We are united in the cause but we don't know where to stand.
I want a protest.
Something enough to make us all scream
because it is the same history repeating.
i hear you saying something
familiar.

Hello, New York

I am finally here like I told you I would be so many years ago. Poor baby, you have waited so long for me to arrive. I am sorry that I didn't come sooner, your misery is so beautiful. Crowded on everyone's face, behind their drumbeats in the subway. The misery is delicious. Rats that crawl in spaces full of people. The air is heavy, and hot with sins. You, New York, have so many places to show me today. Your fingers laced around my neck. My feet are burning as I step and dance for you. Your skies are so far away and farther away as I climb up this cliche 104 floors, 1860 steps to heaven. And I'm gone again in your presence. New York, you sexy bitch on the corner. You motherfucker. I love you but you know I can't stay too long. Here, in your brown skin tinted poverty. You make me helpless and lost in your small cloudy skies, tall glass buildings. I will explore you and be done with you until the next time we meet. I might write you another letter one day to tell you how much I didn't miss you.


Sincerely,
This Bitch from Cali

dreams

My dream today.

I broke into your house in the middle of the night. I pulled you from your bed by the hair. Long and in a ponytail like it was before. I tackled you to the ground. Scream bloody murder and domestic abuse in your face. Your boyfriend came out. I was surprised. He demanded to know why my hands were on you. And he sat on the floor with us. I said "Mira, te va lastimar. Esta mujer es muy hermosa, pero venenosa. Y no te quiere. Nunca te va quierer como tu la quieres. Te va quebrar el corazon." and i touched her face in a loving way. I got up and spat on her. I went outside and the grass was as tall as me. Aj came and told me to run with him. The sky was dark and the stars were bright. A dancing light appeared. And Aj told me to keep running so I ran.




Sylvia Plath -
Medusa

Off that landspit of stony mouth-plugs,
Eyes rolled by white sticks,
Ears cupping the sea's incoherences,
You house your unnerving head -- God-ball,
Lens of mercies,
Your stooges
Plying their wild cells in my keel's shadow,
Pushing by like hearts,
Red stigmata at the very center,
Riding the rip tide to the nearest point of
departure,

Dragging their Jesus hair.
Did I escape, I wonder?
My mind winds to you
Old barnacled umbilicus, Atlantic cable,
Keeping itself, it seems, in a state of miraculous
repair.

In any case, you are always there,
Tremulous breath at the end of my line,
Curve of water upleaping
To my water rod, dazzling and grateful,
Touching and sucking.
I didn't call you.
I didn't call you at all.
Nevertheless, nevertheless
You steamed to me over the sea,
Fat and red, a placenta

Paralyzing the kicking lovers.
Cobra light
Squeezing the breath from the blood bells
Of the fuchsia. I could draw no breath,
Dead and moneyless,

Overexposed, like an X-ray.
Who do you think you are?
A Communion wafer? Blubbery Mary?
I shall take no bite of your body,
Bottle in which I live,

Ghastly Vatican.
I am sick to death of hot salt.
Green as eunuchs, your wishes
Hiss at my sins.
Off, off, eely tentacle!

There is nothing between us.

Lowell, Massachusetts

The City of Lowell is the fourth largest city in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.

Transportation
Lowell can be reached by automobile from Interstate 495, US Route 3, the Lowell Connector, and Massachusetts Routes 3A, 38, 110, 113, and 133.[10]

For public transit, Lowell is served by the Lowell Regional Transit Authority, which provides fixed route bus services and paratransit services to the city and surrounding area. These connect at the Gallagher Transit Terminal to the Lowell Line of the MBTA commuter rail system, which connects Lowell to Boston. The terminal is also served by several intercity bus lines.[10]

The Lowell National Historical Park provides a free streetcar shuttle between its various sites in the city center, using track formerly used to provide freight access to the city's mills.

"female ambition can be unseemly in the eyes of many, I forget that sometimes".


We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats' feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar

Shape without form, shade without colour,
Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

Those who have crossed
With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom
Remember us--if at all--not as lost
Violent souls, but only as the hollow men
The Stuffed men.

Eyes I dare not meet in dreams
In death's dream kingdom
These do not appear:
There, the eyes are
Sunlight on a broken column
There, is a tree swinging
And voices are
In the wind's singing
More distant and more solemn
Than a fading star.


-T.S. Eliot

These are non biased facts, Alex.

Alex, I never got the chance to send this to you and I dunno if you still read my blogs but I hope you do and I hope you read this one.

To be as unbiased as possible I laid out the facts for you Alex.

1) Alex agreed to help Hazel because Hazel had no job or place to stay. True
2) The money contract is between Alex’s mother and Hazel. True
3) The money belongs to Alex’s mother. True
4) Hazel left Alex’s home due to a family emergency. True
5) Alex got mad. True
6) Alex sent many hateful, demanding and angry texts to Hazel. True
7) Hazel refused to engage in an exchange of hateful words with Alex. True
8) Alex involves Rose in the dispute. True
9) Alex plays the role of the victim to Rose. True
10) Rose gave Hazel Alex’s mother’s number. True
11) Hazel spoke to Alex’s mother about their contract. True
12) Hazel commits to paying $180 as soon as possible. True
13) There is no set deadline according to Alex’s mother. True
14) Alex blackmails Hazel through Rose, “I declare that if she involves my mother in our disputes and makes me look bad in front of my family then i will involve her parents too. What does her father do for a living...? hmm, its a bad idea for hazel to involve my mother.” True.
15) Hazel as of June 22nd, 2010 has a nickel to her name. True
16) Hazel as of June 22nd, 2010 has another bill to pay. $180 to Alex’s mother. True
17) The friendship of Alex and Hazel was worth destroying for $180 True



What are you really mad at Hazel for? This isn’t about the money. “hazel is no good person.” “i did everything i could for her. i gave her money out my pocket. i drove her anything. i gave her clothes. i smoked her out. i got her drunk. i even ate her pussy on her birthday, special occassions, whenever. i really trusted her” “i took her to five star restaraunts and i hardly charged her rent. she's really hurting me” “i bought her special shampoo to fix her hair, i bought her fancy shoes” “i did everyghing for her. her last bitch left her 500 in the hole and i ADDED to her shit. now look at what she does. she has something-someone nice and she just shits all over it. you can't be supported like a princess and have nice things and generous people if you stab them in the back and walk out on your promises to them. i dont care that she left me”

Alex, you do care that she left. You feel as if she left YOU. You feel hurt that you did so much for her and you feel that she is in debt to you for all of the material things that you bought for her; you feel that she is in debt to you for all of the kindness you gave to her. You are hurt that she did not give you the same amount of material things back. You feel that she did not return all of the kindness you gave to her.

You have much more than Hazel does. But still she gave you the little she had. You have let your hurt blind you. You let your hurt turn into rage and shredded your friendship with Hazel apart and then blamed it on money because it was an easy thing to point to. Hazel and you both come from very different social classes. Money means something very different to you than it does to Hazel. Hazel grew up on food stamps. One example of this abundance and privilege that you have is $400 grocery receipts. 2 fridges, one for fresh food, another for leftovers. You are very privileged Alex and that privilege is also blinding you to the mess you are making over something you have an abundance of.

Alex, why can’t you remember the years that went by? S.T.O.N.E.? A real friendship and relationship is one based on trust, honesty, kindness and communication. There is no point system. Friendships have rotations of when one gives more than the other because they have less and vice versa and other times when both share equally (emotionally or financially). That’s a normal part of friendships. Hazel and I have given so much to you, Alex. We aren’t keeping a tab. We like to smoke you out. We like to give you food if you want it. We liked your company. We introduced you to our friends. Hazel gave you whatever she could whenever she could with whatever she had. Time spent together is much more valuable than money. Emotional and moral support is more valuable than money. Don’t you remember all those deep emotional talks you had with Hazel? All those times, you held each other because you needed it? You forget so easily about those non-material things that Hazel gave to you. Hazel loved you for you- deep down- suppressed and love-hungry.

I laid out the facts for you on top. We are not perfect people. We are not perfect friends or family members. We make mistakes and sometimes hurt each other through absent-mindedness but in the end, we discuss it and heal the wounds. Friends and family give selflessly to each other without expecting a reward. This is true love; self sacrificing and selfless.

You have poisoned yourself with manipulating lies. You hide your true essence at home with your parents; they don’t know you. Your brother can betray you. Do you cry often? Deep wallowing tears that run rivers into your pillows screaming in their silence. You hate the lies, love. You hate that they cover your light. Let them go. I know you hurt inside, Alex. I’ve read your poetry. But, what you don’t see is that your pain is self inflicted. Alex, I know deep down you understand what I’m telling you is true. Perhaps it makes you angry (so much rage that clouds your heart) to reveal the truth. Let go of your hate and your anger and your pain. You don’t need those to write or to live.

Real love stared you in the face. Real love looked at you dead in the eyez. Your rage destroys this real love. Do not let it destroy you, Alex. You cannot live in lies forever; you cannot hide in a lie. The truth is always too bright to be covered. And I have too much faith in the fact you are a person in search for love and what it means to be loved.

'Even after all this time
The sun never says to the earth,
"You
owe Me."

Look what happens with
A love like that,
It lights
the Whole Sky. '

-Hafiz

When we sleep all through the morning

sleep like a rock in sinking sand
i'm stuck on you,
we are so sticky
I can't let go of your flesh
until we peel apart in the afternoon
2 am. We are always awake
nighttime loves my company
your company
I kiss your dreams onto your forehead,
early morning hours I hear the birds sing
and sew my heartaches back together
close my eyez to you smiling
open them to daggers on my pillow
we plan a new life with the wind
and then another one
all the same
and so very different.







thank you, trini for the inspiration

Fight Club

"I ran. I ran until my muscles burned and my veins pumped battery acid.
And then I ran some more"

so good off that shit.

I feel a rant comin' on

Idk mayne, it’s crazy how time changes people for the better or worse. People ask me why I’m so distant from people I knew in the past especially friends from high school and the fact of the matter is all of you are fake. And I’ve seen you backstab your best friends of 10 plus years. I barely know you but if you can backstab your best friends/your family, I don’t wanna get to know you. We may have been close once but we’re strangers for a reason now. It’s funny how people change you know? Some of us grow and some of us, stay still. I’m reaching the sky and you’re still on the ground and I’m not tryna go back to high school. I’m so good off that shit.



I thought me putting this up would be funny!
lol if you're reading my blog why don't ya just subscribe ya creep! lol

A letter to my dreams

Dearest dreams,
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU IMPLYING!!!!??!!!! I'm working to control you because frankly, your signs piss me off. I hated high school so what, now I'm in high school all the time when I sleep? I hate my ex girlfriend so what, now you make her real every night? That's pretty lame. And one day I'll be able to make you do what I want you to. I'll be able to create you. I'm working on being lucid. And it will happen eventually....

Logic

Do you wish for waterfalls?
I wished for tears when I had oceans.
I am not a hero. I carry a knife in my pocket.
I am only a monster with a pretty face,
eyez filled with your deception.
I carry my pain in my backpack,
shedding materials along the coast of the Atlantic
when I reach home I'll have nothing left
nothing left to remind me of you
except the scars on my wrists
the quotes on my thigh
and the song that will play at my wedding
(when it's legal for me to marry the love of my life)
I wrap my hopes around green leaves,
pray to the Divine Beings
to connect the dots for me.
I am nobody's hero.
All I have are words
and these words can only show you
how to save you from yourself.
for yourself.
it's only common sense.

Gutter

"We are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars"- Oscar Wilde

Baldheaded

I run my fingers through my hair
this hair makes me who I am at the moment
each time I change inside
it changes my outsides too
as a symbolic outcry to society
to the world
that I have grown and changed
and become different
I remember my long hair.
Wavy, split, thick.
Always put in a ponytail, pulled back
babycurls covering my eyez when I wanted to shy away
length that wrapped around my throat suffocating
my inner child growing and changing
My hair has been a symbol for beauty
for someone else's idea of beauty
and today it stops there.
It will be shaken from me.
cut. shaved off my head.
OFF MY HEAD
the weight of society
the weight of beautiful dreams
locked in riglets,
hidden in black brown thick Indian hair.
I never do my hair anymore.
It gets in the way of her kisses at night
when we sleep she holds me and my tiny ponytail
scratches her face.
She turns over and we touch legs all night
because my hairs in the way.
And today,
I leave it to the wind
today I leave it to the earth to dissinigrate.
Today I am beautiful because I said so
And my hair had nothing to do with it.