I do a lot of self healing through other people

I am no where near perfect and I wish that I took my own advice. This last year has changed me for the better. I know it has. Still I feel those days, those sad days, creeping inside me like a virus I can't get rid of. Emotional AIDS.

I love myself as hard as I can day by day. Each day, learning how to smile a little more for myself. I wish for more days where I can be alone but I'm afriad of them. I'm scared that alone I regress into those dark places because they are comforting and familiar. I wish for bad eating habits that left me 95lbs thin. I wish for drug habits to numb my memories and my fingertips. I wish your dirty sex with an abusive lover in exchange for a wrecked heart and a notebook full of sins and secrets. Beautiful bloody stories. I wish for those sometimes. And most of all I wish I didn't wish for any of these things.

On my sad days that creep out of me when I am alone. I don't snuggle into her for comfort from the loneliness, I embrace the dark. I stay lonely just to feel it and when I'm done I lay my head near her dreaming eyez and rest until the sun rises.

And another day is here to teach me something beautiful and the darkness grows a little bit smaller. I wonder if one day I will ever be completely filled with light.