random blogs wish I could vlog

i kinda miss vlogging. I used to have a lot of time for it and now I still have time for it but I can't find a space to do it. Youtube used to be a place where I could just talk and say whatever was on my mind, now I have an audience, I have kids looking up to me and I feel a lot of pressure being a role model. It's like being a role model to 500 kids. I don't want to encourage 15 year olds to go the route I was on at their age, I want them to pursue bigger and better things but my 1 dimensional persona on Youtube is a role model. There are so many parts of my life that I avoid talking about because I am embarrassed of where I'm at or where I've been. I feel like a child in so many ways. The older I get the more I feel like I'm a kid, the more I want to act out and being a child, I want to throw tantrums and whine and laugh about stupid shit and run around the grass chasing bunnies without feeling like I'm supposed to be an adult and pay bills.

I started my first day at work yesterday. I spent 8 hours washing dishes for a very busy restaurant and doing other bitch work *sigh* I remembered why I hated working food services. So much work so little to show for it at the end of the day. my babe and I are both working there, it's her first day today and she's had the easy shift...lucky bitch lol and I got an interview today at Mickey D's! (YAYYY and my parents said I'd never amount to anything HA!) and I will be having another interview tomorrow with the store manager and probably start working on Wed. Yippy! I've been unemployed for 3 months and lazy as fuck and now I'll have 2 full time jobs....hmm... lets see how long I can go for before I pass out.

I finally have a place to stay with my babe. I posted some shit on CL and finally someone genuine hit me up and offered to help us out. I hope that everything goes well and we can help him out as much as possible as well. His house is tiny but he has a spare room with a mattress and he's letting us sleep there. It's so funny to me when people that don't have much will still offer to help others while the ones who have a lot will rarely offer to help or be generous. It's sad really and it makes me so angry. I want to punch my gf's roommate in her fat face for being such a selfish bitch. Not everyone has parents that pay for everything. Stupid fat whore.

I'm glad things are finally beginning to make progress. School is still up in the air as far as how I'm going to pay for it. $51,300 for one year. Just ONE year. I don't wanna put my hopes up in case i can't attend because it costs too much. I wrote to Oprah and Tyra Banks and I was thinking of writing to other companies for financial sponsors. I NEED to go to school. I wish I didn't take so much advantage when I had it. I wish I did better in my classes. I wish I could go back and live it again. I feel like college is where I was supposed to be for the last 2 years and instead I've been lost and roaming the country.

I can't complain about traveling though. I love going to new places and seeing new things. I can never stand still for too long I always end up moving around. I just wish I had really loved my time in college. I guess it takes something to go away for you to miss it and I've def. learned my lesson. Once I get back in school I will focus and enjoy my time in class.

I feel like starting up another Youtube channel just for myself to talk and vent my happy times and sorrow. I enjoy vlogging but it's definitely changed from where it was to what it is now. I'll start my little diary vlog sometime soon whenever I can find a place and webcam to do it on. The campus computer lab doesn't really allow much noise so I haven't been able to video anything really. And there are always a crapload of people around and wtf I want to JUST TALK TO A COMPUTER GODDAMN IT GIMMI SOME PRIVACY lol. About 4 weeks from now the scenery will change once again. I will be in beautiful and green South Carolina with my in-laws who adore me.

That's a little scary. Not because I don't love them, omg they are amazing but because...they are so amazing and I love them so much already. I feel like I missed out on a lot of mother daughter shit when I was younger because my mother is so stuck in herself and old ways and traditions that she sees me as this 1 dimensional person that doesn't have feelings and is obligated (because she birthed me) to serve her every need. I hope now that things are changing at home, that she'll start to change as well. The kitchen will be different next time I visit. The day care will be gone (FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and Sunny is there while Kiko is gone and his owner has not kept his word and kept in touch while I'm very sad about but I know Kiko is happy wherever he is. Susy is getting older and smarter everyday and my sisters are still being little bitch teenagers. I know they like to blame me for anything bad that happens in their lives. It sucks a lot because I miss them so much and I would love to reconnect but I know that shit takes time and my family has raised us to hold grudges and point fingers. HORRAY FOR FAMILY VALUES. Well, I've written enough for today. Later.