days

1 day 22 hours left.
I sleep through the days, I don't see the sun.
I sleep through the days.
The hours are only in reality,
here outside my head where time tick tocks.
i sleep through the days. I don't see the sun.
She hides from me, behind the horizon.
I missed all those days sleeping through them
I don't ever see the sun.
1 day 22 hours left.

myths

"One theory of soulmates, presented by Aristophanes in Plato's Symposium, is that humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them:


[Primeval man] could walk upright as men now do, backwards or forwards as he pleased, and he could also roll over and over at a great pace, turning on his four hands and four feet, eight in all, like tumblers going over and over with their legs in the air; this was when he wanted to run fast …Terrible was their might and strength, and the thoughts of their hearts were great, and they made an attack upon the gods ... Doubt reigned in the celestial councils. Should they kill them and annihilate the race with thunderbolts, as they had done the giants, then there would be an end of the sacrifices and worship which men offered to them; but, on the other hand, the gods could not suffer their insolence to be unrestrained. At last, after a good deal of reflection, Zeus discovered a way. He said: 'Methinks I have a plan which will humble their pride and improve their manners; men shall continue to exist, but I will cut them in two and then they will be diminished in strength and increased in numbers; this will have the advantage of making them more profitable to us. They shall walk upright on two legs, and if they continue insolent and will not be quiet, I will split them again and they shall hop about on a single leg.'
—Aristophanes, Plato’s Symposium, [1]



The feet of Saint Guénolé (Winwaloe, Guignolé) statue, in a Prigny (Loire-Atlantique) chapel, are pierced with needles by local girls who hope to find their soulmates.



Some people[vague][who?] believe that souls are literally made and/or fated to be the mates of each other, or to play certain other important roles in each other's lives.

According to theories popularized by Theosophy and in a modified form by Edgar Cayce, God created androgynous souls, equally male and female. Later theories postulate that the souls split into separate genders, perhaps because they incurred karma while playing around on the Earth, or "separation from God".
Over a number of reincarnations, each half seeks the other.
When all karmic debt is purged, the two will fuse back together and return to the ultimate.[2][3]

White Oleanders

I think of chewing oleanders; white ones, pink ones, orange ones that mimic the sunset. Their razor leaves cutting into my skin, seeping poisons through my tongue, my gums, in between my teeth swollen with their quiet death.



This book is amazing. Gives me so many good ideas to write about.

just a moment in time

Dec. 10, 2009

My lack of motivation should have killed me years ago.
Instead of being an adult and going through paper, I sit
here and get high.

Monday went by; Seaport, get high, get alcohol, food,
get high, drive to your house, get high, draw, write,
drink, talk, laugh, drink, make videos, talk, get high,
talk, talk, drink pass out. Tuesday; get high, food, talk,
clean, get high, high all day long until I sleep and then
realize I see you so much being so far away. Wednesday;
mostly sober, went to work, wasn't sober anymore.
My life is about to change and I think I'm in denial.

happy early three months babe

I'm sorry i didn't know i was gonna fly until I saw the buildings below.
I breathed in the air and saw you before me.
An angel, rare to find along the timeline of eternity,
we could have never met,
gone all our lives without each other
but for some reason I found you
and we fit like the pieces of a puzzle.
Simple.
one plus one equals one.
It doesn't make sense but it does.
Jus flying high,
pass the clouds
but I stop to admire the gaze in your eyez,
forgetting to fly higher in this dangerous wind
that carries me away farther from you,
the trance of the grey smooth ocean of clouds
moving like water dancing alongside the sunlight
orange and yellow, the most beautiful sight of my life
heaven in sight,
This is what the light must look like.
Nirvana.
The truth.
The place of a higher consciousness.
There is such a place. I believe in something beautiful.
There it is in the sun, the wide globe floating in the colors
painted in the background by the hand of La Virgin de Gualalupe
the true goddess we worshipped for centuries
The mother. The sun. Giving birth to life.
I'll bring you back a souvenir from paradise.
This hypnotizing wind, the danger of seduction
A tornado but you caught me.
Angel. Your wings that I see hiding in your bones,
their imprint underneath flesh
you have not lost your freedom to fly, Angel.
higher and higher and higher
dancing in the light, the winds, the grey of the sky,
the grey of my smoke, exhale.

stress related pains in my legs that grow like vines into my arms that get heavier
my legs that slow down with each step I force myself to continue force myself to breathe
counting down until I am alive again,

what is depression? It isn't even matter. not molecules. not atoms.
What does any of it matter? Really?

My body is tearing itself apart trying not to fall apart
in puzzle pieces scattered on the bridge towards home
towards freedom
from depression.

Don't you know?
You cause lunacy, the moon at your fingers to break and squeeze out every last drop of misery
Split home, the blame game is the only game i've ever played growing up
in fantom houses, el cucuy caught in my sheets pretending to love me, calls me Baby from the closet. fangs that sucked at my legs and neck, leeching stories of alcohol abuse. Think I don't remember?
Hungry monsters that crawl inside my dreams. I've loved hyde all her life, became the DNA engrained into her veins but I left that addiction back at Rehab.
Loving the battering hand, bad apple on my head until I took a bite and fell asleep along the path to success. Clawing my hands up, out of the dirt, 6 feet underneath the city where lost angels run to, where dreamers grow up in paint and blood. I found you looking through everyone. And here I am, as you wished. the one nobody could see until I disappeared, right before your eyez.

i feel like photographs

could better help explain how I feel:























Yes, change is a good thing.

counting down the seconds

until you are here in my life
wrapped up in my arms,
swaying to the music of our hearts beating
hear it through our chests.
Keep my panties down, my mouth open,
my hands deep inside your thought process.

Hide inside this shiny shell,
deep in the creases molded by the sea,
keep me safe somewhere hiding in pink flesh
so easily torn apart by teeth
if not protect by this armor beauty,
this hardened skin.
Colors blending into rocks and sand.
I am unseen.
Safe.
A part of the scenery.
This ocean blue that cradles me.

so just about now

seems like a good time.

thought processes

I catch your dreams in butterfly nets
create oceans for you with my tears
hold the mountains together when they want to fall upon you
sink in the mudslide to save you from its dirty memories
baby, you don't even realize how deep
how vast and fathomless this feeling is.
The universe is yours just ask for it.
Tell me what you want and you will have it.
Tell me what you need, anything at your disposal
the earth, the sky, the seas
I will manipulate time to run slow when I am with you
take the sun and hold it in position
so that you could embrace me and catch the clouds for me,
takes more time than we have



steal this heart from me please
grip it from my being
i want to feel its bloody roots leave me
disabling to breathe.
Bring the numb into my head,
just smoke and control the feelings,
push them down into this deep space of woe
;this giant loving heart.
Hold those memories inside
that dying heart you ripped apart.
Do me the favor and make it blue,
crack it in half,
swallow all of my memories
deep agonizing sorrow.
My violence bleeding red, sloppy messes on the dirty floor.
So many years of messy living,
so many hearts already destroyed.
My heart, dismembered for comfort,
I am a heartless fool at least I'm numb without it ,
stop it's painful yesterdays.
That heart so huge,
shattered into a million pieces never again to be revived,
or pieced back together.
Too many pieces have been lost now.
I'm sorry for leaving but my heart lost all the feelings,
broken-glass mess on the floor.`

i know your stories

Bold, aware,
a jewel that in my eyez that glows and sparkles
I can't seem to reflect her beauty in photography
she is more beautiful than technology can capture.
I watch her eyez tell me bittersweet truths,
butterscotch nothings.
Her lips are fruit
melting in sugarjuice
I lunge at her mouth
devour her scent, her tongue slick,
kissing until the world fades away
my words that press against my teeth
escape into her neck.
Her hands are bold
Her touch is aware
I can feel it everywhere
through the air
I watch her chest rise and fall
a rhythm i control,
her heart that i hold in my palms
those shameful confessions that spill onto the floor,
harmful memories that have been stored
inside this whole time
i carry them for her,
raid the closets for the skeletons,
and they are familiar
like blood is, like genetics
the stories have been laid out,
millions of pages to read.
I know them all already.

Rose in concrete

My foundation is not solid
i've grown crooked through the cracks of cement
trying to reach for light
outside of this concrete jungle of hard lies and tough love.
The weeds from this suffocating life underneath the rock.
I take my vines towards the sun,
blooming inspirations of you.
The red petals that make up my face.
The center of my being.
Sweet honeydew.
The heart of the universe.
The beginning of life.
I'm the eternal truth
buried in the grounds
search for me in the roots.

My dearest lover

Listening to: Dissolved Girl
Reading: The Hanged Man
Watching: Luvureyez
Playing: with myself
Eating: pussy
Drinking: someone else's water

My dearest lover,
You are like the sunrise in my life. My days begin the moment you turn your attention towards me. Somedays when I'm lost in my own dark thoughts, you bring me peace. It's hard to explain my dependancy on you. It's emotional and physical, you are connected to me beyond how words could explain.

It's dark and I find myself awake during the nights. Insomniac. I've been like this since I can remember, the night time has always been my time. Vampira locked inside my ocean blue cave. Beautiful mujer of mine, where can I find the fast forward button, I'm sick of this waiting. I've been waiting for salvation for so long and my patience has worn down. Now, Now...NOW!! You know how impatient I am for things to happen.

And I know that change is just around the corner, I know that my life is about to speed up because of school and because of my responsibilities. Growing up is something that petrifies me, you are the only part of growing up that I'm unafraid of. The anchor to my ship on windy ocean waves. Babe, hold me down. Stable, secure and safe.

Thank you for coming into my life. The ying to my yang. I know I'm a lot to handle sometimes. My intensity tends to run people over sometimes. Somehow you know exactly how to handle me when I need a reality check. My analytical mind. You, mujer, are my logic. And we are like endless fractals, babe. You and me, we just go well together, don't you think? I was created just for you, just as you were created only for me.

I dream of you when I crave to be close to you. I reach out through my dreams across 3,000 miles, probably much more, I feel it. Babe, every inch is magnified as I come to this realization of how profound this love is for you. Everyday it grows. How much bigger can it get? This love already so immensely heavy and bottomless.

I get carried away with my thoughts of you. I guess it's 'cause I don't give myself a lot to do other than run away to Oakland, but still. If school isn't a part of my schedule, I get lost inside the loneliness, the familiar blue feelings that creep along with me all the time.

But baby baby baby, you make the blue look like the sky. That blue isn't so bad with you.
Lover, mi linda mujer, mi hermoso futuro. I'm just here counting the seconds until I see you next.

I love you is an understatement.

Siempre tuya,

Rosa

monsters

i crawl into the dark places that don't follow the light of day
I forget what day is
I sleep through the sun rising in the sky
over me, to the sides, under the horizon
until it slips into nightfall
and stars are shooting
the moon is smiling crooked
you smile crooked with me
just like me
you attract the wicked thoughts
we are the same.
crawling into dark places where light cannot follow
forget to love the sun
sleep through the falling of day
you are death calling
you are life breathing
you are sleeping through eternity with me
in this alternative reality
somewhere in this dimension
I creep with you by my side
diving into bigger problems
to swim out bloody
we smile crooked together.
monsters in love.

devasted

i feel like this when i am here.

Good show

putting on a good face,
smiling through the waterworks
that grow inside
too much to hide
but just right
there on the surface
of the gloss
that covers my eyez
deeper than
i ever thought possible
so profound
and caressing
filling with the purpose
to yesterday's sorrows
and tomorrow's funerals
the grand opening of a circus show,
wolf inside sheep's clothing.
too much to keep track of
my dangerous urges
that lurk along the surface
of the edges of my hands
that caress you
that creep into the soul of you, then
take control over me,
overpower me,
we struggle over
the bedframe
and let you flow into the deepest parts
that are angry.
I've pasted on a brightly lit smile
with twinkle starlight eyez,
a hearty loud laugh,
the conversations are neverending
i'm the happiest person you ever saw



and I've fooled them all.

the definition

Being in love.
what does it mean to give love?
As an action
as a feeling

What does it mean when I say I give you my heart?
I rip it free from my chest
and hand you something the size of a fist
bloody and dying outside of me
but this is all I can give you
if love is what you're asking from me

Gruesome, skin peeling off the bones
I'm melting into the ground
becoming soil
if this is love
then I am everything.

Being in love.
what does it mean to give love?
as an action
or a feeling

Do you want this piece of me?
I need it to live, circulate inside
blood flowing in red beauty
i am alive here
but if you want it,
i'll sacrifice my life.

caressing my lips with your fingers
love has not ripped me apart
like I thought I would have to
You told me to leave my bloody mess inside my chest
told me to beat freely
create rivers of red that flow





and then I understood what love was.

Is it funny?

The days keep scrambling by. The minutes press buttons into time. Everlastingly.

As we get older and older, Time runs faster and faster.
We make our dreams either happen or disappear.
forevermore bettering ourselves or maybe
becoming worse diseased people
with phobias and traumas,
untreatable.

I am only a virus.
Meant for destruction.
I am only a lover.
Meant for abduction.
I am only a thief
I have stolen time
every tick is held inside my pocket.
Every tock is hidden in storage.
I am only a poet.

I can rationalize anything.

"Pulling Sky" by Artismo69

Nightmares

sinking drowning
run into circles of confusion

YOUR LOVE WAS BULLSHIT
constant ripping of my heart
always tears that smeared across my cheeks
and still you are the monster that hides underneath my bed

DON'T YOU REMEMBER YESTERDAY?!
I turn to red like blood that cakes on my wrists.
FUCK YOU like the words along my wrists.
You have no heart. You selfish bitch,
I gave you the world and you gave me the door.
STAY BURIED 6FEET UNDERGROUND.

Zombie love.
Boogiemonster love.
Dead and dying.

Russian roulette.
Pull the trigger love.
Leave me bruises when you drink love.
I don't ever want to see you again once this is over love.

I told you, you would miss me.

Domestic violence starts young

Listening to: Eres -- Cafe Tacuba
Reading: Cheap Diamonds
Watching: Luvureyez
Playing: with myself
Eating: pussy
Drinking: Nothing.



A punch in the face. Seriously.
Every single time I start to believe in blood family.
it is jus a punch in the face.
and a public bruise
a sign of abuse
that the whole world is open to seeing
but closes it's lids to me.



Babe, you are my family.
Remember this.
And I promise I'll never let you down.

Home is where the heart is

Listening to: Shwayze Ft Cisco Adler - Get U Home
Reading: Cheap Diamonds
Watching: Luvureyez
Playing: with myself
Eating: pussy
Drinking: Water from the tap

I know it's wrong to hold a grudge. But as a Scorpio, grudges kinda come with the whole package. I have plenty without meaning to have them. Most of High School is on my shitlist. Most ex-girlfriends. Some of my family members. But then again, I don't put people on my shitlist for no reason. Anyone who's ever fucked me over is on that list. I just feel like I'm surrounded by people I don't want to be around.

All of this town is crowded with High School Bullshit sprinkled with rumors and when I take a walk outside I happen to see someone from waay back when and put my head down hoping they don't recognize me. AWW FUUCK.

So I tend to leave a lot. My mom asked me why I couldn't just settle at the house. But I haven't been able to settle anywhere for a long time.

I know where home is and I can't help it if I need to keep going back.

Omg, am I just being paranoid?

[11/12/84 4:17:13 PM] Smith: Does Big Brother exist?
[11/12/84 4:17:22 PM] O'Brian: Of course he exists. The Party exists. Big Brother is the embodiment of the Party
[11/12/84 4:17:29 PM] Smith: Does he exist in the same way as I exist?
[11/12/84 4:17:33 PM] O'Brian: You do not exist
[11/12/84 4:17:48 PM] Smith: I think I exist
[11/12/84 4:18:04 PM] Smith: I am conscious of my own identity. I was born and I shall die. I have arms and legs
[11/12/84 4:18:27 PM] Smith: I occupy a particular point in space. No other solid object can occupy the same point simultaneously
[11/12/84 4:18:37 PM] Smith: In that sense, does Big Brother exist?
[11/12/84 4:18:45 PM] O'Brian: It is of no importance. He exists
[11/12/84 4:18:52 PM] Smith: Will Big Brother ever die?
[11/12/84 4:19:02 PM] O'Brian: Of course not. How could he die? Next question

reminds me of yesterday

I'ma stick in the mud

Show me your swollen memories before the moment's stolen
Swollen pride as it lays dead in your hands,
can't keep up with the insults that the world serves on a platter
The daily dose of reality that is gorey and green
envious and mean,
perverted the children into pornographic beings
Every day is a dream and I'm really awake when I'm asleep.
I've been holding this bloody mess together
to not set off alarms
in the eyez that are watching all the time.
Show me your swollen human heart before the moment's broken.


Cleaning myself of this mess.
This bloody mess that seems to never end! A constant battle or perhaps series of battles that I don't want to win. I remember back when I was younger. The first thing that teach you when you come into this world, are the values of your culture.


My Culture Always Said YOU WILL NEVER LEAVE YOUR BLOOD FAMILY. No matter how much they hurt you. backstab you. betray you. steal from you. abuse you. brainwash you. WHATEVER THE CASE MAY BE; As Mexicans, no matter how dysfunctional your blood family is you NEVER completely leave them out of the picture. If this means you are held down, then you better suck it up and pull up the whole entire family.

BOOM!

Listening to: Kiss of Life-Sade
Reading: Cheap Diamonds
Watching: Pop Garbage
Playing: with myself
Eating: pussy
Drinking: Lemon Ginger Echinacea



I just want to make things clear to anyone who's just signing onto this little project of mine.

You don't even begin to understand how deep this goes. Are you game?