I hate making my life into a sob story that people can pick apart and judge me based on the awful things that happened to me and the awful things I made happen to me. I've been contemplating doing this video for awhile thinking of ways on how I'm going to do this without giving my life story away for exposure. I can defiantly twist my life into a giant terrible sob story to make people feel sad for me and whatnot. Help me with things that I need because I don't have anyone to help me. But where do I start? Where I begin to tell a story that's as broken and damaged as mine? What parts do I share with the world?
I've lived a privileged life. I know this. I was privileged enough to have food on my plate every night and a roof over my head. But so many things happened in between the time of now and then that the food and the roof seem pointless.
Do I tell everyone about all the drugs I used to do?
My addiction to inhalants? My addiction to cocaine?
Do I tell everyone about all the alcohol?
Do I tell everyone about the rapes?
Do I tell everyone about my mother?
Do I tell everyone about the verbal, physical and emotional abuse?
Do I tell the world about the times I ran away?
Do I tell the world about the fact that I was locked away in a room for years?
How eventually the voice of my mother got so repetitive that it got loud in my head and I didn't need her to physically be there to control me, that I started locking the door on my own?
Do I tell the world about the shit my mom used to tell me about my sexuality, about myself?
Do I tell the world I've been homeless numerous times?
That I'm currently homeless, looking for somewhere to sleep every night going to bed worried that someone will come in and tell me to get up and leave, but then wonder where I'm supposed to go?
Do I tell the world about the abuse in my relationships?
How my last girlfriend was an alcoholic, emotionally abusing me on a daily,
that eventually it got so bad she put her hands on me and she left bruises but I still thought that she loved me and took her back every time?
How the time before that was the same?
That all my ex girlfriends were slowly showing myself how to kill myself with drugs and alcohol?
Which parts do I tell?
I don't want to be judged by the world. The world doesn't know me. My life feels like an embarrassment. I had so much opportunity and now it feels like it's slipping from me each year that goes by. Without school, I started feeling lost. And now with school being so close, just within reach, I'm scared to hold it because it could leave me as easily as it comes back. I don't have the money for school. I don't have $51,322 for a year of school. I don't have anyone who can co-sign a loan for me. I feel so lost I'm spinning.
So which parts do I tell?
How will I put my sob story together for someone to notice that I can shine if I'm only given a little help.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
What does the term "boi" mean to you?
How do we navigate gender and sexuality by creating new terms and how can that be helpful? Harmful?
I've heard lots of studs regard to themselves as "boi".
Example "This is ya boi, Such and such", "Hollatcha boi" etc
and i've recently come upon a really interesting article about what the term "boi" means to different people.
The term "boi" to me means
♥having a boyish charm
♥a masculine swagg
♥dressing like a boy.
All of the above or 2 of the above or just one. I don't believe this term is strict on the sex of a person. I believe that using this term could potentially be very empowering to a female bodied person and also better represent other sexes (i.e. FTM)"Boi" in regards of male bodied people could recruit femme gay men, and bisexual men as well. I believe a "boi" can also be femme as well as long as you have 1 of the 3 (the charm OR the swagg OR the dress)
A "boi" can come to mean various different people. To claim "boi" as your identity I feel like there also comes a responsibility to deconstruct any preconceived ideas about the term and educate others to it's meaning to YOU as an individual. Because the term "boi" is so new, there is still no box to surround it and set rules upon it. It can promote a more accepting fluidity of gender between sexes. It can also come to promote a more fluid view of sexuality. Since a "boi" is a very fluid term, it could possibly lead to an acceptance of "boi meets boi" which essentially could mean anything in regards to their genitalia. FTM meets Gay dude. or lesbian stud meets femme tomboi. Gay dude meets gay dude. FTM meets lesbian stud. femme tomboi meets tomboi femme. etc. etc. etc.
I'm sure this sounds so confusing. How can ONE term group together so many different people? How does any term group together so many different people? We all claim and define terms differently. And no definition is wrong. Put simply we are all just humans looking for connections and our connections with each other are often messy in regards to labels. Our sexuality is often put into question if it doesn't fit in with the norm (masculine and feminine). We've ALL got a little "boi" in us just as much as we all have a little "femme" to us as well. All humans fit somewhere in the spectrum of masculine and feminine. We are all multi dimensional and I believe that every person fits under more than one term that may or may not contradict its self.
I am female bodied queer lesbian femme tomboi womyn.
Let me deconstruct this for you;
→I have a vagina so that makes me female bodied.
→I claim as my sexuality to be a lesbian as well as queer
due to how I have sex and how I see gender.
→I am feminine in body language, mannerisms and dress
→I have a boyish charm, dominance and dress
→I claim womyn as my gender.
The harm in all of this is the confusion of this theory, the extremists that could take offense, and also internalized homophobia and sexism. the article I linked above in grey states a lot of the negativity that can come with a term and how it can be harmful. We are so brainwashed to believe in gender roles that the transition from boy to "boi" can be difficult to separate. Separating "boi" from male could be difficult for some. Separating "boi" from stud could be difficult from others. How can one "boi" be attracted to another "boi"? Well if a "boi" can be part of ANYONE's list of terms then it makes sense. You can be a "boi" and a girl at the same time.
We are making things a lot more difficult than they have to be. Grab whatever terms you want and redefine them however you want. It can change and grow as much as you'd like it due to your knowledge of its place in herstory/history and based on your own experiences.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Some notes on Urge to Merge video
Many couples end up MERGING when they are in a relationship. They become the same person.
some ideas for this video are
♠matching everything. hair. clothing.
♠putting on a single sweater together walking around.
♠piggy backing while texting each other
♠telepathically talking to each other
♠going into the bathroom together
♠going to work together
♠saying "We" all the time instead of I
some ideas for this video are
♠matching everything. hair. clothing.
♠putting on a single sweater together walking around.
♠piggy backing while texting each other
♠telepathically talking to each other
♠going into the bathroom together
♠going to work together
♠saying "We" all the time instead of I
Some notes on "Term Queer" video
I identify as a lesbian.
But I also identify as queer.
Queer is an umbrella term for all sexualities that don't fit the norm. Queer can also be used as an umbrella term for gender.
The norm in society is heterosexual. A man must be with a woman. Black and white. No room for grey areas. However, it is very obvious that our community is not binary. There are many different types of people and not everyone fits into the gender roles. Queer was a derogatory term not too long ago to call someone a freak or strange or unwanted. Recently, the gay community has begun to take back this word for their empowerment.
Why do I like the term queer?
I am open to the possibility of love. I am very attracted to women, sexually and emotionally. I've had many serious relationships with women and I see myself sharing my life with a woman. I date women. However, I have been attracted to men before. I have attraction to men sometimes. For me, my attraction towards men is very limited. It takes a certain type of man to get my guard down and allow me to open up. Sometimes the attraction is purely "I think he is cute." or "He's such a pretty boy." but the attraction for me, often goes away relatively quickly. Men don't keep my attention. I am not attracted sexually to men. I find myself very awkward and forced when I'm put into a sexual situation with a dude.
I don't find just any dick attractive. I have a lot of unresolved issues with dick because of my inexperience being around men. I tend to gravitate towards women because they are safer. I was sexually abused by a few men in my past and have learned to associate a lot of danger with men. I am NOT a man-hater. I do have male friends. But like I said it takes a lot for me to let my guard down and open up.
Because of the way men were raised in this society (with their gender role attached) I find it very hard to stay attracted to a man. However, not all men are the same and there would be a possibility that one man could get through all those walls that I have built. Although the possibility for me is very very small, it is still a possibility and I cannot completely disregard it. I identify with the term lesbian more because I am more attracted to women and I date women but also, the stereotype of this term does not define my sexuality perfectly.
With all of this said, I have to admit a few things. My girlfriend and I role play. Sometimes I have a penis, sometimes she has a penis. Through all of this role play I never think about being with men or a particular man or wish she was a man. I think about her and her dick. I enjoy arousing her through this fantasy that we create. The dick (usually our strap) becomes an extension of me/her when we have sex. This is why the term queer for me makes sense.
But I also identify as queer.
Queer is an umbrella term for all sexualities that don't fit the norm. Queer can also be used as an umbrella term for gender.
The norm in society is heterosexual. A man must be with a woman. Black and white. No room for grey areas. However, it is very obvious that our community is not binary. There are many different types of people and not everyone fits into the gender roles. Queer was a derogatory term not too long ago to call someone a freak or strange or unwanted. Recently, the gay community has begun to take back this word for their empowerment.
Why do I like the term queer?
I am open to the possibility of love. I am very attracted to women, sexually and emotionally. I've had many serious relationships with women and I see myself sharing my life with a woman. I date women. However, I have been attracted to men before. I have attraction to men sometimes. For me, my attraction towards men is very limited. It takes a certain type of man to get my guard down and allow me to open up. Sometimes the attraction is purely "I think he is cute." or "He's such a pretty boy." but the attraction for me, often goes away relatively quickly. Men don't keep my attention. I am not attracted sexually to men. I find myself very awkward and forced when I'm put into a sexual situation with a dude.
I don't find just any dick attractive. I have a lot of unresolved issues with dick because of my inexperience being around men. I tend to gravitate towards women because they are safer. I was sexually abused by a few men in my past and have learned to associate a lot of danger with men. I am NOT a man-hater. I do have male friends. But like I said it takes a lot for me to let my guard down and open up.
Because of the way men were raised in this society (with their gender role attached) I find it very hard to stay attracted to a man. However, not all men are the same and there would be a possibility that one man could get through all those walls that I have built. Although the possibility for me is very very small, it is still a possibility and I cannot completely disregard it. I identify with the term lesbian more because I am more attracted to women and I date women but also, the stereotype of this term does not define my sexuality perfectly.
With all of this said, I have to admit a few things. My girlfriend and I role play. Sometimes I have a penis, sometimes she has a penis. Through all of this role play I never think about being with men or a particular man or wish she was a man. I think about her and her dick. I enjoy arousing her through this fantasy that we create. The dick (usually our strap) becomes an extension of me/her when we have sex. This is why the term queer for me makes sense.
Some notes on bicuriousity video
What is a bicurious girl?
A girl who identifies as straight but can be attracted to one certain woman or a certain type of woman and wants to experiment with her sexuality.
What threat does bicuriousity have towards a binary vision of sexuality?
There is a hate towards things that are misunderstood. That is why people in the queer community are put aside a lot of times and the target of a lot of hate. The Queer Community has a lot of issues to work through within our own community. There is still a lot of ignorance and hate towards things that are misunderstood. Bisexuality is one of the things that people cannot put a box around. Bisexuality is seen as a fantasy in the straight world, something that's unreal. There are many negative connotations with bisexuality such as promiscuousness or a need to get attention from men etc. Sexuality is seen a lot of times are something very binary. You like men or you like women and there are no grey areas. But the problem with this is that it's untrue.
Sexuality is a grey area. Attraction towards people varies due to environmental factors, what point you are in your life, who you surround yourself with, your values, your mental stability etc. There are many different situations that can lead you towards or away from certain people. It's not uncommon for women to want to experiment with other women. In today's media, lesbianism is being more accepted and glamorized. It's the latest trend. Sometimes women experiment for attention from men but often times women are genuinely exploring their attractions towards other women. Sometimes this attraction is purely physical and sometimes this attraction grows into something more emotion. Women are raised to be more emotion. So it would make sense that two women being sexual together could lead to emotional attachments. To experiment with someone who is bicurious could potentially hurt someone's pride. It all boils down to insecurities. If you are insecure no matter who you are with you will be insecure. It has nothing to do with the other person. Bicurious women are exploring their sexuality and could possibly in the future change their identities as their journey progresses.
A girl who identifies as straight but can be attracted to one certain woman or a certain type of woman and wants to experiment with her sexuality.
What threat does bicuriousity have towards a binary vision of sexuality?
There is a hate towards things that are misunderstood. That is why people in the queer community are put aside a lot of times and the target of a lot of hate. The Queer Community has a lot of issues to work through within our own community. There is still a lot of ignorance and hate towards things that are misunderstood. Bisexuality is one of the things that people cannot put a box around. Bisexuality is seen as a fantasy in the straight world, something that's unreal. There are many negative connotations with bisexuality such as promiscuousness or a need to get attention from men etc. Sexuality is seen a lot of times are something very binary. You like men or you like women and there are no grey areas. But the problem with this is that it's untrue.
Sexuality is a grey area. Attraction towards people varies due to environmental factors, what point you are in your life, who you surround yourself with, your values, your mental stability etc. There are many different situations that can lead you towards or away from certain people. It's not uncommon for women to want to experiment with other women. In today's media, lesbianism is being more accepted and glamorized. It's the latest trend. Sometimes women experiment for attention from men but often times women are genuinely exploring their attractions towards other women. Sometimes this attraction is purely physical and sometimes this attraction grows into something more emotion. Women are raised to be more emotion. So it would make sense that two women being sexual together could lead to emotional attachments. To experiment with someone who is bicurious could potentially hurt someone's pride. It all boils down to insecurities. If you are insecure no matter who you are with you will be insecure. It has nothing to do with the other person. Bicurious women are exploring their sexuality and could possibly in the future change their identities as their journey progresses.
the progression
Hatred grows like weeds in this soil
wormy despair lives in between dirt
I crave the darkness, hiding and withering away
haunting your every dream,
I will pull at your ankles from my grave
you buried me alive
I have lungs full of mud,
how good does it feel?
Profound realizations about life,
refusing to let my heart down
stuck n paint full of memories
remember green fingers blazed in purple haze
red tears dragged across canvas cheeks
destroying beautiful yellow sunshine
I swim in my blue dreams, craving pink lips
kiss me please, don't leave me behind.
The moon smiles at me from the sky
a mocking smirk that outshines the stars
I watch your face fade,
the moonlight taking over everything
disappearing
All that is left is the rotation of my love
around you.
How far will I make it if stay staring at the moon dissolving into the darkness?
Do you choose me? I chose you.
You are the only one in my heart.
You are the only one in my heart.You are the only one in my heart.
You are the only one in my heart.You are the only one in my heart.
You are the only one in my heart.You are the only one in my heart.
You are the only one in my heart.You are the only one in my heart.
My heart. In my heart. the only one. the only one. you are
My heart.
wormy despair lives in between dirt
I crave the darkness, hiding and withering away
haunting your every dream,
I will pull at your ankles from my grave
you buried me alive
I have lungs full of mud,
how good does it feel?
Profound realizations about life,
refusing to let my heart down
stuck n paint full of memories
remember green fingers blazed in purple haze
red tears dragged across canvas cheeks
destroying beautiful yellow sunshine
I swim in my blue dreams, craving pink lips
kiss me please, don't leave me behind.
The moon smiles at me from the sky
a mocking smirk that outshines the stars
I watch your face fade,
the moonlight taking over everything
disappearing
All that is left is the rotation of my love
around you.
How far will I make it if stay staring at the moon dissolving into the darkness?
Do you choose me? I chose you.
You are the only one in my heart.
You are the only one in my heart.You are the only one in my heart.
You are the only one in my heart.You are the only one in my heart.
You are the only one in my heart.You are the only one in my heart.
You are the only one in my heart.You are the only one in my heart.
My heart. In my heart. the only one. the only one. you are
My heart.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
mother's side of the family
Crazy looney
I got this all from my mother's side of the family
we have crazy gene
so stutter when I talk to strangers
I grew up in a culture that never speaks
hides me in the closet until I grow up and weep
everything I couldn't do
everything I still wont do
because the voices in my head wont allow me to stand
kitchens choke me up inside
the smell of food makes me want to vomit
every tradition I was ever brainwashed into believing
sweet Catholic lies painted on the mirrors
on the ceiling
my mother sheds tears of despair
selfish crazy genes that could spill onto my own children
if i'm not aware
if i'm not awake in time to spot the looney times
before they make me disappear
Speaking in tongues, i'm trying to save myself
cutting my arms I'm trying to find myself underneath Chicana skin
oppressed will
motivation for life
behind this ocean filled eyez.
I am locked behind a white door
blue room with wallpaper dolphins for company
books for the spirit
my mom told me that they were poisonous
thats where all my ideas were coming from
and that reading so much could blind me
so I turn to drugs
pills and bottles
powders and herbs
rocks and crystals
pretty beautiful escapes that give me hangovers.
I run into the dawn
shedding my skin like a snake
leaving behind all traces of my old face
growing a new one in it's place
red hair, brown hair, short hair, curly hair, long nappy hair
change change myself on the outside
cant see my pain if I wear a smile like it's in style
My Chicana soul gets heavier
I drag cement shoes
get pushed over the egde
sink into the bottom
I want to breathe
lung full of wet dreams, herbal remedies.
cant save me cant save me
i'm not running from anyone but me
my culture, my mother, my crazy genes
Sunday, March 21, 2010
comedy
It is here that I confess all of my sins.
Here on the net of thousands,
interweb of honest lies and candy coated brothels.
Living the life,
sleep in the sun turning into a chocolate bar
melting into the grass.
My hair's growing wild up the walls like vines
like veins in your arms when they bulged out
when you inject that sweet herion.
Nectar of the gods in between my legs.
In between your legs,
grind against Mexican words,
pressed up against the sheets,
just drip wet a puddle underneath me, an ocean blue.
Here I spread rumors.
Create fiction for play.
Evil seduction. I AM GOD and you are my servant.
I cradle your bullshit like a child, slice you open.
Such ignorance.
I love to watch your heart alive in your chest
beating slowly dimming lights in the sky.
I would love to break you apart,
eat your bones,
have them stuck in my throat.
Endless bliss pointing and laughing,
you are a joke.
Here on the net of thousands,
interweb of honest lies and candy coated brothels.
Living the life,
sleep in the sun turning into a chocolate bar
melting into the grass.
My hair's growing wild up the walls like vines
like veins in your arms when they bulged out
when you inject that sweet herion.
Nectar of the gods in between my legs.
In between your legs,
grind against Mexican words,
pressed up against the sheets,
just drip wet a puddle underneath me, an ocean blue.
Here I spread rumors.
Create fiction for play.
Evil seduction. I AM GOD and you are my servant.
I cradle your bullshit like a child, slice you open.
Such ignorance.
I love to watch your heart alive in your chest
beating slowly dimming lights in the sky.
I would love to break you apart,
eat your bones,
have them stuck in my throat.
Endless bliss pointing and laughing,
you are a joke.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
inspired by Alex once again
by now
i don't feel attached to my skin
i dont feel gravity push my feet in
human, don't see our connection
don't see how we get from me to you to go back again
i'm just me
because my atoms assembled as such
my skin renews
I'm not the same girl that you knew
My atoms reassemble in the same sequence
human connections are torn apart
you are a mirror breathing heavy on my sins
I can take myself apart in bits
small pieces
so that nobody notices small blue parts
that are missing
from the back of my mind.
Queer little child, don't know how to spell the words inside my brain
it is not easy to speak to strangers
my atoms must be arranged into another being
another type of person that can talk and laugh in unison
on cue
I must be renewed
I am exactly the same girl you once knew
running in circles because as a chameleon
I change faces but not what's underneath them
At a moment I'm peacefully content swimming in the darkness
the moon mocks me smiling behind star lights
follow you everywhere I'm scared to be alone
I'm lonely, silly human, it is the condition you've been bored with
you can manipulate hormones and brain waves to save you in your heartache
drive myself crazy
I have grey hairs already
I'm only 20. I'm only 20.
I feel older than I have ever been. My bones creak inside me
My muscles are dissolving inside my limbs.
For years I've been killing myself slowly
this beautiful death that I take part in every day of my life
I don't eat, it contains life
I don't sleep, giving me dreams that keep me thinking about
loving the other side of nothing
I don't feel attached to my skin
underneath flesh that browns and crisps
ashes from my flesh.
ashes from my life.
It hurts too much to cry all at once.
I've got so much.
I've got so much.
i don't feel attached to my skin
i dont feel gravity push my feet in
human, don't see our connection
don't see how we get from me to you to go back again
i'm just me
because my atoms assembled as such
my skin renews
I'm not the same girl that you knew
My atoms reassemble in the same sequence
human connections are torn apart
you are a mirror breathing heavy on my sins
I can take myself apart in bits
small pieces
so that nobody notices small blue parts
that are missing
from the back of my mind.
Queer little child, don't know how to spell the words inside my brain
it is not easy to speak to strangers
my atoms must be arranged into another being
another type of person that can talk and laugh in unison
on cue
I must be renewed
I am exactly the same girl you once knew
running in circles because as a chameleon
I change faces but not what's underneath them
At a moment I'm peacefully content swimming in the darkness
the moon mocks me smiling behind star lights
follow you everywhere I'm scared to be alone
I'm lonely, silly human, it is the condition you've been bored with
you can manipulate hormones and brain waves to save you in your heartache
drive myself crazy
I have grey hairs already
I'm only 20. I'm only 20.
I feel older than I have ever been. My bones creak inside me
My muscles are dissolving inside my limbs.
For years I've been killing myself slowly
this beautiful death that I take part in every day of my life
I don't eat, it contains life
I don't sleep, giving me dreams that keep me thinking about
loving the other side of nothing
I don't feel attached to my skin
underneath flesh that browns and crisps
ashes from my flesh.
ashes from my life.
It hurts too much to cry all at once.
I've got so much.
I've got so much.
1/25/2010
Hope vanished todayunderneath the bus I'm riding,
pulled down, run over
It is roadkill now,
guts smeared on
asphalt, shining
black blood, oozing
into the cracks in
the street.
my history
in every family there is one person
that ends up carrying hundreds of years of family history.
Heavy, I walk towards tomorrow.
I fall and I crawl.
My eyez are swollen with tears,
I am caving in,
turning around to face
the culture in my veins
and hung up on my back.
I'm dragging my feet,
and clawing the ground
roots so deeo in the earth
i'm so heavy and hurt
by all this history on my shoulders.
Dry my eyez and keep moving forward
it doesn't feel as heavy after awhile.
that ends up carrying hundreds of years of family history.
Heavy, I walk towards tomorrow.
I fall and I crawl.
My eyez are swollen with tears,
I am caving in,
turning around to face
the culture in my veins
and hung up on my back.
I'm dragging my feet,
and clawing the ground
roots so deeo in the earth
i'm so heavy and hurt
by all this history on my shoulders.
Dry my eyez and keep moving forward
it doesn't feel as heavy after awhile.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
I wish
♥ I had a home. Just one room with a bed. that no one would take from me.
♥ a college. Paid off with nothing to worry about.
♥ a job. Something I loved to do.
♥ a college. Paid off with nothing to worry about.
♥ a job. Something I loved to do.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
night dreaming
“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!”
my woman sleeps next to me with her back to me. I have stayed up all night because I sleep wherever I get the chance. I sleep even when I'm not tired. I sleep because my days are filled with the same stories, the same vocabulary and the same minutes. I am awake when she is with me and I sleep usually when she sleeps but sometimes I don't sleep at all for fear that I will always sleep through everything. They say that you can change your life in an instant the moment you decide it. How funny, I've come to this realization so many times and still somehow it never changes. Little habits that makes my life fight with me to stay just like they are, kill me internally. But the story is so beautiful, no? The pain is glorious in its making.
ZzZ...
my woman sleeps next to me with her back to me. I have stayed up all night because I sleep wherever I get the chance. I sleep even when I'm not tired. I sleep because my days are filled with the same stories, the same vocabulary and the same minutes. I am awake when she is with me and I sleep usually when she sleeps but sometimes I don't sleep at all for fear that I will always sleep through everything. They say that you can change your life in an instant the moment you decide it. How funny, I've come to this realization so many times and still somehow it never changes. Little habits that makes my life fight with me to stay just like they are, kill me internally. But the story is so beautiful, no? The pain is glorious in its making.
ZzZ...
Friday, March 12, 2010
fuckYOU
stay in your locked jail cell
drown in your purgatory
i want you naked
shaking for freedom from your sins,
choke on all your ignorance
You don't deserve my forgiveness
rhyming your ABC's mounted on your cliches
your middle school poetry makes no fucking sense.
You haven't changed
you still don't understand who you are.
Toxic leech. Materialistic hypocrite.
Dr Jekyll you will always remain a monster.
Mr Hyde has left her mark, always corrupted.
Selfish bitch you sit there on your computer typing to me
as if the memories don't roll back through my head
like a film that I can't rip apart enough
We were not meant to be, ever
even while our story pressed onto the pages
you are a poison and I was an addict
sucking at my life force constantly begging.
and still, you're begging.
Pathetic.
Even when I tell you to leave
you keep coming
forcing your dissolving words onto me
like they have some greater meaning,
solve all your problems by saying you're sorry.
Fuck off. Delete my story from your book.
You don't deserve my substance.
Pace up and down California screaming in agony
you deserve all the guilt
bury yourself in the graves that you made
Remain six feet under.
Dead and forever dying.
You cannot wash your hands from the blood you spilt
Look at the scars.
Karma gets you every time, doesn't it?
If you ever come near me in San Francisco
I'll tie an anchor to your ankle
and drop you into hell.
drown in your purgatory
i want you naked
shaking for freedom from your sins,
choke on all your ignorance
You don't deserve my forgiveness
rhyming your ABC's mounted on your cliches
your middle school poetry makes no fucking sense.
You haven't changed
you still don't understand who you are.
Toxic leech. Materialistic hypocrite.
Dr Jekyll you will always remain a monster.
Mr Hyde has left her mark, always corrupted.
Selfish bitch you sit there on your computer typing to me
as if the memories don't roll back through my head
like a film that I can't rip apart enough
We were not meant to be, ever
even while our story pressed onto the pages
you are a poison and I was an addict
sucking at my life force constantly begging.
and still, you're begging.
Pathetic.
Even when I tell you to leave
you keep coming
forcing your dissolving words onto me
like they have some greater meaning,
solve all your problems by saying you're sorry.
Fuck off. Delete my story from your book.
You don't deserve my substance.
Pace up and down California screaming in agony
you deserve all the guilt
bury yourself in the graves that you made
Remain six feet under.
Dead and forever dying.
You cannot wash your hands from the blood you spilt
Look at the scars.
Karma gets you every time, doesn't it?
If you ever come near me in San Francisco
I'll tie an anchor to your ankle
and drop you into hell.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
collaspe
My heart collapsed inside my chest caving in
the mud sliding over both our lives
pinned down in emotional breakdowns
1,000 stars go boom
your song at the back of my throat
my head up in smoke
I can't breathe anymore tar
I'm choked up on you
the mud sliding over both our lives
pinned down in emotional breakdowns
1,000 stars go boom
your song at the back of my throat
my head up in smoke
I can't breathe anymore tar
I'm choked up on you
Friday, March 5, 2010
List of creative projects on their way
1) leaves and branch-bone arm
2) Video spoof-the lesbian urge to merge
3) Newspaper collage-The pain game continued
4) femme to stud/stud to femme fluidity video
5) Paint faces on the trees
6) Build a snow-woman
7) Print and organize manuscript
scribbles of thoughts on crumpled paper
just a slight hint of my talents in splattered paint
not even the whole picture split but brilliant
words like silk and honey stuck to me
the inside of my skull tattooed with liquid realities
smoke in my lungs dissipates,
so defensive
put my fists up in power
defend my indigenous blood lost in the sand
arms reaching towards the sky
everlasting heartache
reminiscent of childhood dreams
boogeyman creeps touching my privacy
spiderwebs caught under my bed
dreamcatchers entangled in my hair
I spill black tar secrets onto the carpet
forever stained in grief
I love it all so much,
every nasty bitch fucking in pornography
wired pussy dot com
lust like glass cutting into innocence.
Feels like heaven in the back of my throat
swallow your cum for the extra protein
Life is good sloppy joes on a sunday afternoon
blue skies rain on my parade
cloudy days are expected later on in the week
and time is always ticking away
I'm taking this positive change one day at a time, my darling.
2) Video spoof-the lesbian urge to merge
3) Newspaper collage-The pain game continued
4) femme to stud/stud to femme fluidity video
5) Paint faces on the trees
6) Build a snow-woman
7) Print and organize manuscript
scribbles of thoughts on crumpled paper
just a slight hint of my talents in splattered paint
not even the whole picture split but brilliant
words like silk and honey stuck to me
the inside of my skull tattooed with liquid realities
smoke in my lungs dissipates,
so defensive
put my fists up in power
defend my indigenous blood lost in the sand
arms reaching towards the sky
everlasting heartache
reminiscent of childhood dreams
boogeyman creeps touching my privacy
spiderwebs caught under my bed
dreamcatchers entangled in my hair
I spill black tar secrets onto the carpet
forever stained in grief
I love it all so much,
every nasty bitch fucking in pornography
wired pussy dot com
lust like glass cutting into innocence.
Feels like heaven in the back of my throat
swallow your cum for the extra protein
Life is good sloppy joes on a sunday afternoon
blue skies rain on my parade
cloudy days are expected later on in the week
and time is always ticking away
I'm taking this positive change one day at a time, my darling.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Hour long walk
arms reaching towards the sky
branches asking for more
their white skin peeling
wrapped in ice
wrapped in melting blankets
waiting for the rebirth of the sun
to grow green and touch the sky.
Listening to:Falling down-Chris Brown
Reading: The Female Man
Watching: Some childhood videos of my babe
Playing: with myself
Eating:pussy
Drinking: luke warm recycled water
I told her hand over the meds. I need to save my sanity. I've come to a realization that I have a lot of "mommy-issues". I am so much more like my mother than I've ever wanted to be. It's hard for me to understand what happened when I was younger. You don't think that those influences from your parents really impact you as much as they do. All of my destructive habits came from her. My eating habits. My outlook on life. My constant nagging-bickering-annoying-I-hate-the-world-blame-someone-else mentality. I know that I'm not always this ball of frustrated energy just crying and hating life. There is so much good in it. I do love life, generally speaking. Loving life is like loving anything else. There will be bad days. I have a lot of difficult tasks ahead of me in my life. First is learning how to take care of myself. It seems like the simplest of things to do. When to eat. When to sleep. When to go out. When to indulge. I need to start moving forwards.
8:00 AM Eat now
12:00 PM Eat now
6:00 PM Eat now
10:30 PM Take meds
11:00 PM Sleep soon
Reading: The Female Man
Watching: Some childhood videos of my babe
Playing: with myself
Eating:pussy
Drinking: luke warm recycled water
I told her hand over the meds. I need to save my sanity. I've come to a realization that I have a lot of "mommy-issues". I am so much more like my mother than I've ever wanted to be. It's hard for me to understand what happened when I was younger. You don't think that those influences from your parents really impact you as much as they do. All of my destructive habits came from her. My eating habits. My outlook on life. My constant nagging-bickering-annoying-I-hate-the-world-blame-someone-else mentality. I know that I'm not always this ball of frustrated energy just crying and hating life. There is so much good in it. I do love life, generally speaking. Loving life is like loving anything else. There will be bad days. I have a lot of difficult tasks ahead of me in my life. First is learning how to take care of myself. It seems like the simplest of things to do. When to eat. When to sleep. When to go out. When to indulge. I need to start moving forwards.
8:00 AM Eat now
12:00 PM Eat now
6:00 PM Eat now
10:30 PM Take meds
11:00 PM Sleep soon
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About Me
- Guerrilla Libre
- This is literally my internet notebook. My thoughts at the moment, the words that come straight from my brain to my fingertips tapping on the keyboard to you.