mother's side of the family

Crazy looney
I got this all from my mother's side of the family
we have crazy gene
so stutter when I talk to strangers
I grew up in a culture that never speaks
hides me in the closet until I grow up and weep
everything I couldn't do
everything I still wont do
because the voices in my head wont allow me to stand
kitchens choke me up inside
the smell of food makes me want to vomit
every tradition I was ever brainwashed into believing
sweet Catholic lies painted on the mirrors
on the ceiling
my mother sheds tears of despair
selfish crazy genes that could spill onto my own children
if i'm not aware
if i'm not awake in time to spot the looney times
before they make me disappear
Speaking in tongues, i'm trying to save myself
cutting my arms I'm trying to find myself underneath Chicana skin
oppressed will
motivation for life
behind this ocean filled eyez.
I am locked behind a white door
blue room with wallpaper dolphins for company
books for the spirit
my mom told me that they were poisonous
thats where all my ideas were coming from
and that reading so much could blind me
so I turn to drugs
pills and bottles
powders and herbs
rocks and crystals
pretty beautiful escapes that give me hangovers.
I run into the dawn
shedding my skin like a snake
leaving behind all traces of my old face
growing a new one in it's place
red hair, brown hair, short hair, curly hair, long nappy hair
change change myself on the outside
cant see my pain if I wear a smile like it's in style
My Chicana soul gets heavier
I drag cement shoes
get pushed over the egde
sink into the bottom
I want to breathe
lung full of wet dreams, herbal remedies.
cant save me cant save me
i'm not running from anyone but me
my culture, my mother, my crazy genes