inner turmoil causing destruction
self medication up in smoke,
hovering over the ceiling,
out of my mouth
words spilling out onto the table.
Terrible secrets.
Too many memories caught in my throat,
choking on those memories, haunting
but still I miss you.
You're spinning in grief,
don't know logic beyond religion,
making you forget that your own children have feelings.
Mommy, you caused the storm that boils underneath the surface.
I'm caught in my internalized gender role,
my suffocating upbringing,
the homophobic culture I am sewn into.
No tengo el vocabulario para decirte en Español
so I let the stories unfold on their own
spilling onto the table in front of your blue moon dinners.
No se como decirte.
I feel it in my bones, I am traveling
farther and farther away from you,
lost
spinning in grief,
never letting go of the heartache you bring.
Mommy, just like you.
I'm messed up
I'm messed up
I'm as crazy as you are
I talk to the walls just like you
just like you
talking into the mirror at my own reflection but nobody listens anymore
same repetitious story played out for years and years
Mom, I'm caught in the inner turmoil of your love
caught in the war between blood.
I've been running in circles around you for so long
wishing you'd love me for who I've become.
I'm messed up,
I'm messed up,
causing destruction everywhere I go,
self medicating up in smoke,
hovering over the ceiling,
out of my mouth words spilling out onto the table.
Too many memories caught in my throat,
choking on those memories,
haunting
but still I love you.