You Don't Know Anything About Me.


I dont remember half of my life because it got so bad I blacked out on pills
on alcohol on anything I could get my hands on, everything, everything under the sun and in the cabinets of strangers houses, i don't know anyone, every person is a stranger, I am too many faces to play games with. I am so powerful I shake when I try to lay still, i feel the vibrations from the earth inside of me and when I quake, I wake the dead memories I thought I had forgotten. I'm always fighting to keep monster habits under control. Needs to shove my fingers down my throat, i'm not binging and purging I just don't feel right with those items in my stomach. i try not to often enough to make it a habit cuz I refuse to kill myself slowly how I used to at 15. I dream about cocaine, it's white powder glory erasing all logic, numb true blue feelings inside the drip that I taste. I feign. Every day I still think about cocaine. It didn't feel good but I still wanted to do it, have it up my nose dripping scrambling my brain, feeling nothing, so good to feel nothing. Heartache holds me dearly like a lover, like a mother. I try not to think about these things. Old habits die hard, always triggered and reminded by the world. Hoping to love my face in the mirror today. I didn't go looking for drugs, but I thought about them all day long, the marijuana wasn't enough and hasn't been enough for the past couple of months but I won't let myself fall because I have her now. And she loves me. And I knew that I would find her because if I didn't I might have found the will to lose myself again, become a mess, become a mess so dirty I stick to the floor no matter how many times you clean it. I don't go looking for trouble. No more fingers down my throat unless i'm drunk and nauseous. No more pills no more cocaine, I promise. I haven't even gotten drunk for awhile, which is good. I believe somewhere buried under so many secrets that I love myself so much that I won't allow myself those cravings for pain. I still feel the lonely. I still feel the crying terrible feelings I felt before when I was younger, when I would cut myself. I wanted to see blood, as PROOF that I was real, and now I am just always questioning this reality. Always asking what if I was dreaming and she was gone. My biggest fear is that I will lose her by losing myself. Sometimes it feels so good to hurt. To feel that blade. To cry for everything I'm not allowed to have. I want to be happy really badly. I swear I want to be happy. I know I could reach that place.